I Dare you to have this Conversation with your S/O

You know when you first start out in a new relationship? Everything is sunshine and daisies… you love absolutely everything about the other person, and even when they do things you would usually hate, for some reason, it’s fine because you’re together. Above all, you just want to do anything you can to see them smile, laugh and just love them all the time. Money is suddenly no object. This is the lovely stage of a relationship that we call the honeymoon phase…it’s a great place to start, but as anyone who is in a long term relationship or marriage, relationships don’t stay this way forever.

It’s actually a good thing that relationships move beyond the honeymoon phase. It’s in conflict that we learn much about our partner and about ourselves. It’s hard to grow as a couple if you never have or voice your own beliefs, values, dreams and perspectives. It’s hard to grow if the deepest conversation in your relationship is about where to eat next date night. So, it’s good that we don’t stay in the honeymoon phase of a relationship because through other phases, those relationships can deepen, mature and become more real and intimate.

The trade off as we move to a more deep and committed relationship can be that we forget some of the important lessons we learned in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. Two years into marriage, and you’re saving for a house… suddenly money is a very real object! Your wife hasn’t received flowers from you since Valentine’s Day, even though you used to do it all the time. The weekly date night becomes the bi-monthly date night as you try to fit the kids schedule in for the school term. The long walks whispering sweet nothings, can become even longer arguments about what feels like nothing! You might be sitting here reading this blog trying to think about the last time you went out of your way to do something for your partner for no other reason than because you knew it would make them feel loved. If you’re in a longer committed relationship…we’ve all been there. I certainly know that Supriya and I have been there plenty of times before.

We’re traveling around a lot at the moment and with more free time that we’ve ever had in our lives. Yet, we can still have times where we fight, feel disconnected or unloved. I was thinking about this in my devotional time yesterday and how time spent together is not enough to sustain and help a relationship thrive…I think often it comes down to one word: Priorities.

At this point everyone gives a knowing nod and says ‘sure we all know that priorities are important in relationships’. Totally, I think most of us have the knowledge of this, but we run into trouble because we try to apply it in the wrong way.

In a Christian marriage, the Bible describes this union as ‘the two (individual units)becoming one (unit)’. And while I agree with this metaphor in its symbolism, I think a lot of us have tried to apply this kind of thinking in practice of our marriage or relationship. We try to take our two individual lives and cram them into one. For the math experts and the jokers out there 1 + 1 (does not) = 1! Trust me, we’ve tried it, as have many before us. It doesn’t work! It just exhausts you physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Supriya and I began our marriage with the best intentions of prioritising each other and loving each other well. We both have a high value for marriage and relationships, but we also have a high value for being people of our word and honouring our commitments. So we each brought into our relationship all of our own life goals and commitments and expected that they would just merge into one beautiful marriage. Boy, were we wrong!

At this stage I was already working full-time as a therapist and volunteering on the side as a young adults pastor. Supriya was working as a personal trainer and trying to start a health business. On top of this, we each had friend and family commitments and other projects that we were trying to make happen. Supriya would work the early hours of the day. I would work late most days. I remember at one point Supriya and I noticed we were having increasing conflict in our marriage as we were getting such little time together in our week. We scheduled our week out and realised we were often only seeing each other for around an hour and a half over dinner and cleanup each day. How did we get here?

Though we had gone into marriage with the best intentions of prioritising each other, we had gotten lost amongst all our commitments. We were trying to continue to make two lives worth of commitments all happen, while also trying to share one life together. I can tell you we were EXAUSTED!

If you’re reading this and thinking ‘this sounds like us’ or ‘this sounds like so and so’, we hear you, it’s a rough place to be. But the good news is that we didn’t stay in that place. And can I just say here, relationships seem to take work no matter how long you’ve been together, so this isn’t a magic fix. This is more than just cutting back on your individual commitments. This is something Supriya and I have been doing over the last year to really prioritise our relationship and we have seen huge results already…starting everything from scratch and prioritising together.

It’s radical I know, but if you are in this place and really want to see change or even just want to strengthen your relationship, then I dare you (even hypothetically) to have this conversation with your significant other!

Why don’t you make it a nice romantic date night? Or after the kids are asleep, bust out some paper and pens. Imagine you’re wiping every commitment from each of your lives. (Yes I mean everything…work, friends, family, everything, except the kids of course.) Start there with your relationship. What is at the core? What is the most important priority for your relationship as a couple? (Put it in the comments if you’re comfortable to so that you hold yourself accountable. I would actually love to hear what you come up with, I’m sure others would too). Then ask again, what’s the next most important, and the next? Work your way out. Write it down. This is significant! This date night might just alter the rest of your lives for the better if you take it seriously. See how it compares to your current life commitments. It might be time to make some changes.

Supriya and I were really confronted when we did this, I think we both knew that our relational time with the Lord and each other was what we wanted at the centre of our commitments, but the reality was quite different. In fact it was usually after all of our other commitments that we would try to squeeze in time for the Lord and each other. So we made some radical changes. This current trip of 9 months around the world is even part of those radical changes. To prioritise time for our marriage and the Lord away from distractions and normal life commitments. To work on goals and projects we had always discussed but never prioritised time for. To spend quality time with overseas family. These radical changes meant sacrificing other priorities for these 9 months, like our careers and saving for a house. But each sacrifice of a lesser priority in favour of a greater priority opens incredible new doors. What’s more is now you’re walking together in a shared life that is not exhausting and with shared priorities.

For us, it’s reaping dividends in so many areas of our lives and relationship already. I would really encourage you to give it a go. What radical changes will you make to truely prioritise your relationship?

Till next time,

Dano.